Mr. Beam analyzes the Redskins vs. New England matchup

Quarterback Is Not a Job for Pussies

by Jim Beam
Kentucky Straight Bourbon Whiskey

Hey! It's your ol' pal Jimmy Beam here! Your old friend. The one you count on more than ever when football season rolls around. Why, "Game Day" is my middle name! You've attended more sporting events with me -- high school, college, right through to the pros -- than with anyone else, and you know it! So who better than me to break down the Redskins' exhibition game tomorrow night?

Let's get right down to it: Jason Campbell has not played well at all. And that's going to be a big, big issue if he doesn't have a good game tomorrow night. Not just "Oh, well. Jason did OK. 50% completions, no INTs. Ho-hum. He's our starter." NO! He needs to get out there and kick some ass against a very good team and in a serious manner, or else, I tell you, it's time to go to Plan B.

And I do not mean Todd Collins.

If Campbell can't crank it up and look like a winner rather than a place-holder against the Patriots in a preseason game, what do you think is going to happen in the opener against the Giants? We're going to start the season by getting buttfucked again, that's what.

Campbell and most of the A-Team are supposed to get the whole first half to make something happen. After that, I say it's time to look at all four QBs and look at completions, look at first downs, look at third-down efficiency, look at yards-per-catch, and make a call.

If it's not Campbell, he's gone. We can't afford to have him pouting on the sidelines while he watches someone else play. I say, if he gets a fair shot at keeping the starting job and he doesn't go out and make the plays, it's time to cut bait.

If it's Collins.. Well, shit. Whatever. Give the clipboard to Chase Daniel or Colt Brennan and let them learn a few things and we'll get them going next year. With a little luck, Collins can probably steer us to 9-7. Could be worse.

If it's Daniel/Brennan -- then just give the kid the ball and let's go for it. If one of those dudes looks outstanding and the incumbent and the old man are looking flat -- it's time to roll the dice, baby. You know how I love to gamble. And you know how when you and I get together you love to gamble. So why stick with a placeholder? That's loser thinking. Losers talk about playing it safe. Remember when I told you to shoplift that canned ham? You didn't think we could get away with it -- and we totally did! Just as there is no ham which tastes better than a free ham, likewise having a quarterback that gives a team hope of victory is better than having a quarterback you're only hoping isn't a screwup. And I am hungry for victory. And ham.

Coach Zorn says Collins already has the #2 job locked up. But you and I know that's not true. There are two more scrimmages left, and Zorn knows he has to win this year. A statement like that, it don't mean shit. Coaches lie all the time, just like the police. And you know my motto is Fuck tha' Po-lice! Know what I'm sayin'? All those times I told you to run from the cops, it was for a reason.

So settle in tomorrow night, pour a big ol' Stiffie of me, and let's see who the starting QB will be -- or ought to be.

Mr. Beam's opinions are his own and do not reflect the policy of The Brewdog Blog or the James B. Beam Distilling Co.